A journey to an unexpected destination

Dear Diary 

I didnt want to talk to you because everything looked so gray that I didint want to  write about it and then read it and find out that I was seeing the world in the wrong colour, You know this days I have cried a lot but I have also received the help of others and meet many other souls that have the same fears, dreams, curiosity for life that i havent felt alone for one moment! .  Also the people I ve met in the past has been there for me, supporting me, huging me and reminding me that I am not alone.

This is a hard time I am in the middle ofthe way without a defined path to follow, I know I should be excited and happy for what it comes in front of me but I just dont know what is the right thing to do or the right decision to take, I just know that I will put myself out there in the world and for some reason my hearth will lead my way.

There are people that arrive to your life and that you feel that you would like to have them around but for some reason is not the time or the place to be and you have to let it go but not in the way of a total separation but a light strong thread that will hold you both until the time and the place comes but I should be able to improve myself and keep enjoying the life and being positive about it by myself along the way .

I wish that decisions could be made now, that goals, expectations and actions could be made but I am sure that if there hasnt been done its because something better is in front of me and that I must keep working hard and smiling while this happens.

By now the only thing I can do is to enjoy! enjoy all the journey until the final destination comes! .

One step at a time ...

HI Diary

This is probably one of the worst weeks that I have had in the last years, I feel very lonely and angry. I also feel lost and i dont know what todo, I dont have any job, my ex is the new boyfriend of one of the most appreciated girls in my circle of people i know in this city and they have decided to be with whoever has a plan and today  I was left alone, i really needed someone to talk but every person I trust was with the rest of the people and I just managed to cheer up myself a bit here, focusing in finding dreams I could pursue but I cried a lot today, and this sadness that push your chest so hard that sometimes you find hard to breath, I know that my angel is around me I can feel him. I also dont want to relay in another person to take me out of here,  out of this emptiness because I am sure that if that person goes away I will probably fall down so hard that I will not be able to manage it.

I wish I knew the answer of what to do, I wish I could decide where to go or what I want, so far I know that I need to cheer myself up and I guess is ok everybody needs time, I need time, I cant find myself focused, I find it hard to even picture myself in the future.

On the other hand I am angry, angry at not being able to communicate my anger for so many years, for not being brave enough to tell him how I was feeling and how angry I was to know that he wasnt loving  me, and to forgive myself to push things and work it out to "make them happend" How could I do something like that?

I dont want that to happend again, I dont want to push or convince anyone to be with me, not a friend, not a love, love will come and will act whenever is the right time and I will decide if I am also ready for it ...

What else to do?

Dear Diary

Honestly I don't know how come I am this calm with some many things that are stressing me right now

• Trying to get money to stay here for a couple of months more to keep looking for an opportunity
• Losing some friends on the way for different complicated reasons ( that at some point will flow and go away) 
• So many things changing either for me or for the circumstances 

I wonder where to start, if i have tried what I had to, If i had just lose time and how can i manage to focus only in one thing or to put things in order,  sometimes I am not even sure of what kind of job I want to do,  my dream job is being able to live by writing or having a business online that will allow me to be anywhere in the world but even if I have been researching and even studying and working on the field I need to decide where I am going to put my effort on... and well right now I also need to find a job and stay here or close by.  I love to be in Europe is amazing but I just haven't managed to get the opportunity i am looking for ... what else to do ?

1) keep applying for jobs
2) Apply in other countries
3) Start a part time job
4) Go back home?

I am very confused here, I know what I want to do but i am afraid I wont make it and the situation will get worst! I am right now in a big conflict of interests.

Guess some sleep and food may help right now

Talk to you later

Work hard, dream far

Dear Diary:

In life many of the decisions are not easy or unpainful, actually the most important ones , the ones that will represent a big step on your life are actually the exactly opposite, I have read a post from a guy that is , I think around 15 older than me and has followed the path I want in a professional career however he is in a stage in life where you get to stop and think on whether what you are doing is really what you want to do. I have asked myself this questions a numerous times, some days I go to bed thinking "maybe tomorrow I can do it better" or "I think this was a great day" I have learnt a lot in these last years and honestly I have taken my own decisions, I have being honest to myself, and I am proud of it! I may have changed some wrong steps in life however everyone has taught me something and I am very happy to have taken them.

I am still believing that i dont want to be rich, I dont want to be poor either but i want a calm life full of freedom and love. I want to share my life with someone, I want to be able to help others and I would love to keep learning something new every day. Is this a lot to ask? Maybe yes, maybe not, I am working for it and i know that right now doesnt look promising, but I know that soon the things will change, will improve. in the meanwhile there is no other thing to do than to keep dreaming!

A Part of something!

Dear Diary 

Today after a budhist session of emotions and emptiness I was walking back home and I realized something .

Why sometimes we can feel alone around many people, why sometimes we feel the need of a stronger connection with someone or the anxious or   intolerant.  I was meditating on this during my walk and I realized that it is because of IGNORANCE, ignorance of who we are and where do we belong.

I felt part of something, in fact, part of everything, I stoped in the middel of the street to feel it, I touched a tree and  i was sure that we are all together, animate innanimate, trees, animals, people, we are all  part of our world, but we usually dont feel it that way, we feel somehowe separated of each other as only we were members of our group of family or friends,  but that is just the ignorance, because wheter we "know" each other or not we can FEEL each other,  we feel our presence, we know there is someone when we pass next to other, sometimes we tried to be indiferent but we feel it and that feeling , that realization of the other next to me, makes a whole difference and there is no way we can feel alone anymore.

It seems that when someone dies, the world is still moving but there is nothing like that a part of it has died, a part of it is gone and eveyrone means something for the rest of the world! A part of ours died with him! . The trees are standing alone sometimes next to each other but they dont look separated because deep on the earth their roots are touching each other, they are connected. We as humans are not inmovil, we can change, we can move but that doesnt mean we arent connected, our energy is ALL over the place , we can feel our vibres, our emotions, our worries, we are able to feel the other, we are part of it!

Here is when  being part of a whole requires to care about each one and love the world! Now it  has all the sense!

I am part of you and you are part of me, we are part of the world!

Buona notte!

=)

Wondering...

Dear Diary:

Many things have happened in those days, I have learnt many things, meet few people , specially one that I admire and respect and that i hope will be in the future in my life.

However I am calm, happy, hopeful and excited for the future in front of me, there is a lot to work to do, effort to make, decisions to take, thoughts to meditate but I am ready for this!, I want to keep this peace in mind, this absolutely security that I am on the right path.

3 years have passed for me to be in this menthal state, a lot of adventures and journeys to get here and i am happy to be exactly in the place, moment and stage of my life I am, I honestly believe that the future will bring the rest of the answers i need, in the meanwhile, just joy, fullfilment, patience and love will grow in my hearth!

Buenos dias!

Risk taking

Dear Diary:

There is just no way to leave specific situations withouth a bad and empty feeling, sometimes I wish there was a way to move on and be happy with decisions taken but not everything can be smoothly left. There is no way you can leave something withouth missing it, but in life you cant have it all.

Sometimes I found myself running in circles, circles or life, with some lectures learnt on the way but without a definite path to follow. However I am truly confident of myself now, I am not afraid! I am sure of what I want but I cant find the way to get it, the situation here is quite stressful as becoming a graduate, unemployed and full of debts is  not really a good situation at all! , but I have the feeling that every piece will fit in the puzzle in the next 4 weeks! .

I have also learnt that patience and calmness are 2 really valuable feelings that can fill your life enormously ! Life is not predictable, people, situations, feelings and opportunities are not permanent, so why to worry? Why not enjoying the day?

Am I right? Have I done the right thing? is everything socially acceptable? I dont know and I honestly I dont think so, but it works for me,... why? Because I am at least honest with myself, with my feelings, with my expectations on life!.

The time is a precious gift that will give me all the answers, for now I only need to work and be honest!

Will I be a budhist?

Dear Diary

I have spent my weekend mainly at the budhist center, I have enjoyed an open day and also the wesak, as is the most important day at the Budhist calendar. I remember that exactly a year ago I start asking myself quesitons like: is this it? Why am I feeling empty? What is the purpose of life? I remember a professor told me that was a normal stage at this age. A year ago I was confused for many things, now I am still confused but is fewer matters, and that makes me feel much better. I found many of the answers I was looking on the Budhist religion and as u already know after India everything changed. This weekend I felt part of a community here, the center is quite small and you tend to see the same people in each event.

Yesterday was such an experience!, I used to be catholic and I was a strong one for many years being part of young associations and groups, but to be honest, this was completely different, maybe because the events have a different meaning: Yesterday 9 members of the community became "mitras" (friends) at the community, and it was special, its like a baptism but one you decide, you have decided to follow a specific path in your life.. it was strong and moving.

I will keep going as everytime I leave with something new, an answer and an explanation but also with many questions, this weekend I learnt 2 things:

a) Dont take your life personally ! , past mistakes, experiences, beliefs, thoughts, be here be now.

b) Craving comes from feelings, feelings created in your mind by contact with something.

The whole experience has been useful and calm for me, I sometimes tend to feel like I want to be everywhere, Like I am here but I would like to be there with friends or family and at some point that feeling makes me not able to enjoy 100% where I am or what I do.

Many more learnings to come

PS. I have vounteered myself to teach some spanish to get fundraising, lets see what happens, its not like my agenda is empty ! :P but I want to help the community.

I am not afraid of life and I will not be afraid of death , if i take out that fear I will enjoy my life even more.

Good day Diary

Me

.. Every person is there for a reason...

I truly believe that a person does not leave someone's life until has taught you everything that should teach you.. And so far there are so many things to learn and many questions asked and ideas shared.

Some ideas to reflect on and to answer in time:

- Every action and decision now will affect the future, the opportunity to be happy with my family

- casual makes things easier to do.

- You can not have everything in life you must make a choice and take a decision

- How to think something different if you dont seem to take it very seriously

-What makes you happy? , what doesnt make you happy?, what are you most afraid of?

- Lack of self steem, or it becomes a personal achievement.

Lets keep getting to know myself

wHat do I want? or What I dont want?

Diary:

I guess the answer for the question what do I want? has always been hard and complicated for me, specially because things keep changing, life is dynamic and expectations and dreams change, but so far I can say I want:

• To keep meeting people
• To feel like a live in a fairy tale
• To have the opportunity to make my decision with no strings
• To have someone whom to love
• To be able to cry, to laugh, to smile, to get surprised.

I sometimes think that you get addicted to those feelings and keep looking for them, the point that I am not sure is wheter this is good or bad

What I dont want.

• To feel I have failed
• To say "if I would have tried it.."
• To be in a place where I dont want to be or doing something I dont want ( this tends to be hard because at some point you always have bad moments but in general I would say I dont want to live like that)

What do I dream of:

• I woulld like to go Asia and live there for a while
• I would like to stay in England and live by myself for a while ( but then I dont know about the kind of job I want to do)
• I would like to work in an environment where you trust each other, you care about the goal (like an NGO or a peaceful achievement)
• I would like to feel more free , to walk alone with no strings,( guess this part is more on mind so Ill keep working on it)

Now the question is ..whereto start? what decision to make? I am usually a dreamer but the last years I have seen things in a realistic way and I get afraid, scared of not finding the balance, of not having those chances. I know that many people havent had the oppportunities I have had and I am very grateful for them , then I wonder if I deserve to have more.

Ill keep thinking, this years have been also amazing for my self knowledge ;)

Thanks for listening

YO

Spring Meditation

Dear Diary:

Sorry to abandon you for so long, but i have been thinking, meditating and analyzing my attitudes,behaviours and so on.

I have made a big effort to increase my network and to develop networking skills, in the beginning I did it only for the sake of having more people on the linked in account or followers on twitter as a goal but then I realize that it will take a while until i find my place on my professional career, that the competition is hard and numerous and that there are guys there who will be better and with better connections, that sometimes make me stress however after all... I dont really want to be rich and famous, I just want to find a place, a calm place where I can do what I love, where I can have tme to rest, enjoy, be with family and keep doing hobbies.

I have meet many interesting people on the way but as one of my friend said " its not enough to meet people but to keep that connection" obviously is hard when it gets to a big number but also the real connections do not require a constant communication but once in a while deep and honest ones.

I will keep fighting and dreaming for a future full of the present while enjoying my time around such amazing people.

I have to say that I have never felt more attractive or sure in my life with who i am , i guess is all about the age and how mature you can get when you are reaching the 30s but I am grateful with the life for giving me this opportunity and I dont want to damage it by getting involve in situations that will take my peace away.. there is so much to do that I can not unfocus now. I am here to enjoy, live, smile and keep dreaming!

=) Thanks for listening diary

Yo

First reflection' 2011

Diary:

Have you realized how interesting is that at some point a totally random person, unknown, unseen before for you can become the most important person in your life?

It only takes a moment, it can be a difficult time, a lonely situation, a love experience... etc, but how amazing the focus and importance in one person can increase but also how can decrease.

It should be a human issue, something we can not define or explain but how easy is to get attached to someone, specially if that person represents nice words, exciting moments, smiles, is like being under drugs and that means that the de-attachment gets really hard but ...necessary! .

I am just amazed of how we can make our mind believe that what we see in someone is actually real... =) as the budhism say: if it will be real EVERYONE could see the same . its like augmented virtual reality lol!

Teachers that come and go , just to teach me how to FLOW...

Luv it~