Dont want to do anything. change anything , listen anything

Dear Diary,

Sometimes i feel like i dont need u anymore and the i remember that i do need someone that listen to me without saying anything back, but now is time for me to talk to u .

I have tried really hard to change, to be a nicer person but this is getting even worse and worse the harder i try the worse it goes .

Something not very nice, happened last week, i got in a shock , i didint really know how to react apart that i have to give me some credit on my reaction

1. i didnt cry in the beginning,

2. I didnt run and leave the place closing the door

3. I didnt say bad words.

I think even it took me as a suprise i could think and then react , I did cry at some point and i felt really bad i still dont know how i am going to react later , i do think that i lost a part of a good friendship but at the end ... Do i want it back? Do i want a friend that doesnt say anything until he explotes and Bull Shit me in front of others? , Do i want a person that i cant trust anymore? I may ... but just as part of my life and in a small part of it .

What it made me mad is that I am sad ..!!! Damn i am sad and i have been sad the whole week, thiniking and thinking if iam wrong, and i got to the conclusion that I am not like that for nothing, i havent done that to everybody or react like that with all , but people do need to get on my nerves to make me react like that ... is the reaction good or bad ? Id ont know is just it , is just MY reaction .. and i should accept myself on it .

Other thing is that there are many people around me saying that " poor people that are close to me like husband, mom etc" coz they must be suffering .... i mean WHAT A HELL right?? How and WHo are them to say that to throw the first rock on me ? And Why have i accept that ?? , I ended up deciding that i should stay away of it, of comments, people that thinks that way for a while, until i get back my confidence and my life

At the end... Am i such abad person?? Am i that bad so people feel sorry for the ones that are next to me ??

I dont think so

Thanks for hearing me diary .