It's raining men Hallelujah

Dear Diary..

well is not that there are actually men rainning, its more like a thunder of feelings towards men that have really touched my hearth this time, but at the end, I think the most important part is that I have being honest! honest with myself and with the others so I am happy!!

Its a new time, time to think, to work hard, to study hard, to analize, to be with myself and time to know more people, I am excited with it, i feel that I have left behind me some great guys but for one as I am not the one for him, he is not the one for me, and i still feel that I have failed one of them ,i wish I can repay him for this. I insist a lot many people have told me during my life that I am pretty intense, but I like to know where I am standing, I hate to be in a moving sand, I want either to be on the ice, coz at some point the spring will come and it will eventually melt, or I may be standing on a ferti soil, if its the case then I for sure will try to cultivate something, but I need to know the truth, right now, I am sure I am on the ice.. but It will melt and so far I am learning how to skate, and more towards what makes me feel happy and special =), so right now I am calm in that sense, I am terrified for what I have in front of me, I am excited, doubt, speechless but I have hope, and the strength to go on with my life.

Coz I am 29!! looking acoordingly to the buch of classmates i have like 25 maximum so WOW!! here we goo !!

I willl write later diary, right now I am very sleepy and with a bunch of papers to read!!

Kisses!!

....all i am looking for are peace and clarity...

Dear Diary,

I have decided to put things clear on the table, to be honest to myself and say what I feel and believe, I may have change things between us but I had to say it. I wish next week I will be given a visa to study abroad for a while, one part of me really wants to go, and the other would love to stay close to him but in a different situation and as there is no way I can change that situation now, I think the best decision I can make is to go.. it may sound like I am running away but I am just protecting myself and giving myself space to have peace and clarity. YOu know Diary I am freaking out, I am so scared of going there alone with no money and no friends but inside of me I know that I will make my best to do it, to achive what I want and I know that my decision will be.... Being alone, I am afraid of losing this great support that has been there for me all these years, this great friend and beautiful human being but is not fair, is not fair to be 20% there, to be only his friend, he needs someone else that would be there for him 100 % and I cant coz you know why .. and I also need to accept the idea that my other dream may never become true, and it hurts , it really does but is true, my dream may realize that is not willing to be more than what it is and I must be prepared and this year diary is for me to have peace and clarity, I want that I need that ..

Please universal energy Hari OM help me to have this peace , get inside of me, I am opening my hearth for you.

Thanks diary , I have hope, give me GOd the strength Ineed to find my peace.

Please and I promess you Ill make my best to get it .