One step at a time ...

HI Diary

This is probably one of the worst weeks that I have had in the last years, I feel very lonely and angry. I also feel lost and i dont know what todo, I dont have any job, my ex is the new boyfriend of one of the most appreciated girls in my circle of people i know in this city and they have decided to be with whoever has a plan and today  I was left alone, i really needed someone to talk but every person I trust was with the rest of the people and I just managed to cheer up myself a bit here, focusing in finding dreams I could pursue but I cried a lot today, and this sadness that push your chest so hard that sometimes you find hard to breath, I know that my angel is around me I can feel him. I also dont want to relay in another person to take me out of here,  out of this emptiness because I am sure that if that person goes away I will probably fall down so hard that I will not be able to manage it.

I wish I knew the answer of what to do, I wish I could decide where to go or what I want, so far I know that I need to cheer myself up and I guess is ok everybody needs time, I need time, I cant find myself focused, I find it hard to even picture myself in the future.

On the other hand I am angry, angry at not being able to communicate my anger for so many years, for not being brave enough to tell him how I was feeling and how angry I was to know that he wasnt loving  me, and to forgive myself to push things and work it out to "make them happend" How could I do something like that?

I dont want that to happend again, I dont want to push or convince anyone to be with me, not a friend, not a love, love will come and will act whenever is the right time and I will decide if I am also ready for it ...

What else to do?

Dear Diary

Honestly I don't know how come I am this calm with some many things that are stressing me right now

• Trying to get money to stay here for a couple of months more to keep looking for an opportunity
• Losing some friends on the way for different complicated reasons ( that at some point will flow and go away) 
• So many things changing either for me or for the circumstances 

I wonder where to start, if i have tried what I had to, If i had just lose time and how can i manage to focus only in one thing or to put things in order,  sometimes I am not even sure of what kind of job I want to do,  my dream job is being able to live by writing or having a business online that will allow me to be anywhere in the world but even if I have been researching and even studying and working on the field I need to decide where I am going to put my effort on... and well right now I also need to find a job and stay here or close by.  I love to be in Europe is amazing but I just haven't managed to get the opportunity i am looking for ... what else to do ?

1) keep applying for jobs
2) Apply in other countries
3) Start a part time job
4) Go back home?

I am very confused here, I know what I want to do but i am afraid I wont make it and the situation will get worst! I am right now in a big conflict of interests.

Guess some sleep and food may help right now

Talk to you later

Work hard, dream far

Dear Diary:

In life many of the decisions are not easy or unpainful, actually the most important ones , the ones that will represent a big step on your life are actually the exactly opposite, I have read a post from a guy that is , I think around 15 older than me and has followed the path I want in a professional career however he is in a stage in life where you get to stop and think on whether what you are doing is really what you want to do. I have asked myself this questions a numerous times, some days I go to bed thinking "maybe tomorrow I can do it better" or "I think this was a great day" I have learnt a lot in these last years and honestly I have taken my own decisions, I have being honest to myself, and I am proud of it! I may have changed some wrong steps in life however everyone has taught me something and I am very happy to have taken them.

I am still believing that i dont want to be rich, I dont want to be poor either but i want a calm life full of freedom and love. I want to share my life with someone, I want to be able to help others and I would love to keep learning something new every day. Is this a lot to ask? Maybe yes, maybe not, I am working for it and i know that right now doesnt look promising, but I know that soon the things will change, will improve. in the meanwhile there is no other thing to do than to keep dreaming!